Friday, March 7, 2008

Do you know the person you're sleeping with?

As I was preparing for a night out this evening, soaking in the tub, my mind began to wander (as it often does!) I was thinking about how best to put into words an observation regarding “relationships” (be they romance or simply a relationship between two friends). I was going back over my own track record, whereas boyfriends and LTR’s were involved. I’ve made disastrous decisions regarding the latter but most of you already knew that. ;-)

My hope is that anybody who takes the time to read this will really hear the message and [hopefully] not make some of the same mistakes I have made. You may still make them – but I hope you’ll be saved some of the heartache I’ve put myself through over the years.

So here we go.

When a person first starts seeing another person both parties are [usually] on their best behavior. We don’t really get to see all of the wonderfully, unique “flaws” which make our counterpart the person he or she is. I don’t know about you but I’VE never passed gas around somebody I’ve just begun dating. Have you? (Of course, ask a couple whose been together for twenty years if their partner ever farts in the bed and I’ll bet you get a resounding “YES!” …and they’d be LYING if they said “no.” LOL)

Okay, anyway…

The point is nobody really ordinarily puts all of their cards on the table the first time you pull up and deal the hand. In fact, you’d be lucky if they EVER did! We each have our little secrets; those things of which we’re embarrassed and we’d just “die” if our boyfriend found out about. But you know what? He’s got his own stash of secrets hidden out of sight, trust me —- so get over yourself and understand that we’re all human, flaws and all. It’s what makes life worth living and God only knows it’s what keeps us amused (and interested)!

So, you see that cute, studly hunk across the room and you think to yourself, “Wow! I’d bare HIS children!” (or some variation thereof). You ask your friends, “Do you know him? Do you know somebody who knows him? I’m gonna get to KNOW him! You watch.”

…and off you go, strategizing and trying to figure out what your new “husband” is interested in. What turns him off, what turns him on, what’s his favorite position (wait, I’m getting ahead of myself) … but you get the idea. How many of you have made it a point to find out whether he’s a bottom or a top before you even know his last name? Come on, raise your hand. Shit! (raises hand) Moving on…

The point is all too often people race along at full speed, trying to get to the finish line without even taking the time to see “who it is” that’s in the race … and then they’re SURPRISED when the race is over.

They’ve made all of these wonderfully laid out plans, centered around this “other person” which are built upon a perception they have of him. But did they take the time to perceive him in a true light? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying all of our potential boyfriends are inevitably going to lie and misrepresent themselves. They might. They’re men. (Okay, they probably will but that’s not really the point.) What I’m trying to say – and not doing a very good job of – is that all too often we don’t acknowledge the truth. We see what we want to see; not what’s before us.

We make plans based on our perceptions and… not on what’s real. (And THEN we bitch because we’re disappointed in the outcome. Well, surprise surprise!)

While I’ve done my fair share of joking up to this point to keep you interested and entertained, the first part of the message I’m trying to get across is simply this. “When others present themselves, believe them.” Listen to what they are saying; even if they’re trying to lead you down a path full of bullshit, the truth is there for you to hear. You just have to be willing to listen. You have to set aside your book of fairy tales and realize it isn’t always going to be a bed of roses. Even if what you hear isn’t what you want to hear, you need to hear and acknowledge it … and THEN make your plans, with your boyfriend/partner/etc. based on the truth (and move forward).

BTW, the aforementioned quote isn’t mine. I wish I could take credit for it but I can’t. I don’t recall who she was but I’m quoting another. When I first heard the line, it rang true on so very many levels that I believe it bares repeating, “When others present themselves, believe them!”

Okay, there’s a second part to the message I’d like to get across to those of you who are already IN established relationships (Note to self: I did not say “dead, boring, dried up, non-sexual or embittered! {grins} j/k)

My second observation is this. “Don’t go LOOKING for trouble (unless you truly want ‘verification’ of what you’re suspecting)!” You will find it! This may seem every bit as confusing as my earlier observation/message so bear with me for a moment.

The mind is VERY powerful. Just as you can fool yourself into thinking the stud across the room is perfect in every way and has a twelve-inch … um, changing course… Just as you can convince yourself he’s perfect with nary a flaw, so too can you find “convincing” evidence (if that’s what you desperately want to believe) to support whatever suspicions you are sleuthing on about! I’m not saying to IGNORE your intuition or gut feeling… not at all. I’ve written much about paying attention to your intuition in the past. No, what I’m saying is “be real.” If you believe something isn’t right, fine, pay closer attention to what is going on in your life. If your boyfriend isn’t being truthful with you about something that’s really important to you (because he knows you’d bust his balls if you discovered the truth) … be patient, the truth WILL eventually come out. You just need to be willing to “listen” and “hear” it when it does!

That said, don’t go “constructing” the truth to fit your “perceptions” if you aren’t basing what you believe on evidence and fact.

After all, he might have just been getting a tattoo of a ruler on his … um, tally whacker … to surprise you with during the next night of your lovemaking and that was why he had to get a hard on, on, for the cute guy in the [tattoo] shop next door. (Should this turn out to be the case, just humor him and let him believe that “yes, it really is in scale for a full 12 inches dear!” and move on. It’ll be healthier for your relationship. Hell, if he really BELIEVES he’s hung like a horse he might start fucking like one! Oh, did I say that out loud? {Grimaces} )

So, to recap quickly: (1) Listen, and (2) Don’t go looking for trouble if it’s going to result in your constructing some sort of false scenario you really believe to be the case but which isn’t. (You can convince yourself of anything you truly want to convince yourself of. Really. The mind is that powerful.)

I’m done. Goodnight. :D

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