Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Impeach Cheney


Warning: This isn’t for the faint of heart. If you’re a neo-con (my sympathies) than you won’t like what you’re about to read. If you blindly follow along and buy into all the sh@t that George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and their cronies would have you believe (my sympathies) — you won’t like what you’re about to read. If you would have an entire group of people’s rights limited because their beliefs don’t quite meld with your own perspective of the world (my sympathies) — you are about to be offended. Too bad. If you fall into any of these categories than you probably won’t like what we’re about to suggest. That said, I think it’s HIGH TIME that this sort of thing took place!

"You Lied" video as depicted on YouTube

What follows (below) was sent as a bulletin on myspace by a friend of mine.

*** It’s Official! ***

Dear Friends,

At 9 p.m. EDT, Tuesday, October 23, in a national conference call to impeachment organizers, Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich announced he will go before the U.S. House of Representatives on a point of personal privilege to motion for the impeachment of Dick Cheney. Mr. Kucinich stated he will bring the vote forward sometime before Thanksgiving.

Folks, NOW is the time to pressure all Congressional Democratic and Republican representatives. Tell them you will support—with your votes and contributions—only those candidates who get on board with Dennis Kucinich’s H.R. 333 to impeach Cheney. Their support gets your support. Period.

Here are toll-free phone numbers for Congressional offices in DC:
(866) 340.9281 — (866) 338.1015 — (877) 851.6437
(800) 828.0498 — (800) 459.1887 — (800) 614.2803

Don’t wait for tomorrow. Call right now, this second. Jam the Capitol switchboard with our demand to restore justice and reclaim democracy.

What else you can do:

  • Spread the word, far and wide. Forward this mail. Tell your friends, family and co-workers that we have to start a wave on Washington. Every person’s action is critical.

  • E-mail or write an op-ed to local and national newspapers and media outlets, including conservative venues like FOX News, The Wall Street Journal, and “National Review.” Get exposure. There’s no such thing as bad publicity.

  • Post the news on your favorite blogs. Be sure to suggest contacting Mr. Kucinich’s office for more details, in addition to urging FAXing letters and/or calling the numbers above to demand that your rep support impeachment—or else they won’t get your votes and dollars next year.

  • We are organizing a full court press on the ACLU, MoveOn, Al Gore, Bill Moyers, NPR, and the National Lawyers Guild—to support and publicize the impeachment mission. If you are connected to any of the above, contact them directly and compel them to fuel the network to impeach.

Thanks for ALL YOU CAN DO!


P.S. Before the conference call, I spoke with Mr. Kucinich for ten minutes. He stressed that the vote will be crushed unless there are enough voices to demand impeachment and accountability. Please let your voice be heard!




(Watch Ralph Nader’s 3½-minute video “It’s Worse Than We Think”)




“In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man — brave, hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.”

NOTICE: Due to Presidential Executive Orders, the National Security Agency may have read this E-mail without warning, warrant, or notice. They may do this without any judicial or legislative oversight. You have no recourse nor protection save to call for the impeachment of the President and Vice President.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Michael Gets The "All Clear!"

This has been a trying month, so to speak. I've been worried about a lady I worked with, with whom I had become fond of (as friends). She has always been a good friend to me; very gentle and loving in her nature and never had anything bad to say about anyone. While I can't really go into detail (because I'm not privy to those) I can say that she is no longer with the company and civil charges, I guess, are being brought against her as well as (I think) criminal charges. It's all about money they say. Bottom line is, I'm having a hard time believing she could be capable of what she's accused of having done. I'm not saying she didn't do it; I wouldn't have any way of knowing whether she did or didn't. Just that it strikes me as so "out of character" for who I thought she was. And it's upsetting because it either (i) represents a grave misjudgment of character on my part as to who this person really is, or (ii) a vast miscarriage of justice against her.

The former I can learn to live with; the latter I find to be really disturbing. So, that is part of why I've been stressing.

Another reason is that somebody I care a lot about will be going in for surgery later this morning and I won't rest easy until I know that operation has definitely gone as well as I hope (and pray and expect) it will. He's a close friend and someone I've come to think of more like a member of my family. There are a couple of you who fall in that category, I suppose; I think you know who you are. (c: ..so I'll be awaiting word from either him or his boyfriend that all went well.

Now, the other thing that's been on my mind... weellll, that's more personal.

As all of my friends are already aware, I had been diagnosed with cancer late last year. Took four months off from work to undergo treatment in the form of chemotherapy from mid-November up until March 12th of this year. (You do NOT want to have to go through that if you can help it, trust me!) That's kind of the reason for this blog entry tonight.

The treatment was successful and I went into remission. That said, I am very careful to try and "listen" to my body. The early signs of my cancer (as it turns out) were in the form of minor back pain which gradually grew more and more painful, until it was eventually too much for me to ignore. That was when the cancer was discovered and (until it was under control) I had to go on narcotics for the pain. I didn't like those either! They make you feel "out of control" - fuzzy minded.

Anyway, I had taken a week off last month to travel back to New Mexico to help Mom go through a number of things in preparation for an [eventual] move to a new home, including sorting through and tossing a BUNCH of stuff from Dad's shop building.

While I was there I basically did a lot of heavy work I wasn't accustomed to doing, what with having been taking it easy during my cancer therapy ...AND I cracked a rib when I slipped in the bathtub. Don't laugh! LOL!!! My back began to ache ... and I began to get very antsy about the backaches. After all, this was one of the early symptoms of the Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (cancer) late last year. My mind went to, "please don't let it be cancer ... again ... so soon after having gone into remission!" So I began to worry about that, as well. I had CT scans a few weeks back but wouldn't get the results until I saw my oncologist ... which was today. I was preparing myself for the worst but hoping for the best.

As it turns out, I got a clean bill of health. (Of course, I had to listen to some crack about having had another birthday and that THAT was the real reason, most likely, for my backaches --- especially in light of having overdone it this past month. Whatever! LOL!!!) The CT scans, according to my oncologist came back clear and that's all that was important to me.

Then I asked him to take a look at a picture I had printed, which had been taken of my initial CT scans last year when I was diagnosed with the cancer (below).

I wanted to know if I was interpreting what I was looking at correctly. If all of the dark areas in the scans, save for the area I believed to be my bladder (circled in red, above), were in fact the cancer. He confirmed my suspicions, saying that I had had a lot of "diseased tissue" (cancer). Um, I think I'm kind of happy I did NOT know just how extensive the cancer was at that time. I mean, I knew I had cancer - and I OBVIOUSLY knew I was in pain because of it - but I also knew I'd get well again and beat the deadly bastard (cancer). If I'd consciously known, by having seen what is shown above, just how widespread the cancer was - I don't know if I'd have been able to keep as positive an outlook about it as I did.

But all is well [still]... I'm thankful for that!

Now, I just want to hear that my friend's surgery has gone as well as I expect it to and that he is safely back home recovering! I think the world of that young man. He's a good kid and... well, I could go on and on and on about several close friends I've made here. Just suffice it to say, "good friends are a precious commodity. Never, ever take them for granted and always let them know you love them."

With much love, peace and loads of hugs,

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Bill Maher's Reaction To the Subject Of Flag Pins

Sometimes I watch too much television but seldom do I hang my ear on the news these days. The news is depressing and politics is infuriating (most of the time) and much of what's left ... well, often just isn't fit to watch inasmuch as "content" is concerned. So if it's not HGTV I'm usually watching something along the lines of sci-fi or Law & Order or something that is equally entertaining but not mind-deadening.

But Bill Maher... When I think to turn on the television when he's on, I love to watch his show. He calls it like it is. (Of course, those of you who think I'm just another liberal idiot won't agree with me — but, whatever.)

I managed to miss Bill's show where he spoke about flag pins and the media's reaction to Barack Obama's response when asked why he doesn't wear one on his lapel. Oh God, HOW did I manage to miss that episode of the show??? Well, it came to my attention when one of my friends over on myspace posted a bulletin to another friend's blog on the subject. What appears (below) is the text of Bill's segment, as well as a youtube video of the show.

Click here to see the video on YouTube

“This generation doesn't sacrifice or even pay for our wars. No, all we do is sport pins and bumper stickers.”  — Bill Maher

Oct. 12, 2007 | New Rule: Show me a man wearing an American flag pin in his lapel, and I'll show you an asshole. I'm sure there are exceptions, but in general people need to remember that lapels aren't for wearing pins to create the illusion that you're supporting the troops. They're for wearing ribbons to create the illusion that you're helping cure a disease.

Last week we had the first genuine controversy of the presidential campaign: the shocking news that Barack Obama doesn't wear an American flag lapel pin, so apparently he and America are no longer going steady. "No lapel pin, Senator? It's like not wearing pants. Why don't you just stab the Statue of Liberty in the eye while bitch-slapping a 9/11 widow?" Another in a series of bullshit non-stories that have zero effect on the troops, the war or anything in the real world -- or, as Fox calls it, "Breaking News."

A reporter in Iowa asked Obama why he doesn't wear the pin and Obama explained that, to him, wearing the pin had come to seem like a "substitute for true patriotism." Bravo, Senator. And then, in yet another shining example of why the media is part of the problem, ABC's Claire Shipman said, "TMI, too much information -- all he had to say was, 'Don't judge me by what I wear, move on.' He played into the idea that he's not ready for prime time."

What, schoolgirl? "Too much information?" What is she, 12? This is typical press hypocrisy -- they say they want somebody who doesn't give pat political answers, but when they get one, they call him a loser. They say they don't like safe robots like Hillary, but they create conditions where only that species can survive. And they give cover to people like Sean Hannity, who reported on "no pin" gate and then had to call a doctor because his fake outrage hard-on lasted longer than 72 hours.

Of course, the Republicans are the party of Mark Foley and the Rev. Ted Haggard and Larry Craig and countless other closeted homosexuals, so their fixation on jewelry is understandable, but still ... the flag is just a symbol. You're getting pissy about a brooch, you drama queens, one that was probably made in China. It's probably leaking poison lead on you right now.

At least that would be some sacrifice, because let's be honest: this generation doesn't do real sacrifice or even pay for our own wars. That's what grandkids are for! No, we do flag pins and bumper stickers. And not even bumper stickers. Bumper magnets. Because stickers are tough to get off, and we may change our mind about never forgetting.

When I see the little flag right here, the first thing I think is, you voted for, and still like, George Bush, the man who has gotten more troops unnecessarily killed and maimed by failing to plan for their mission, by pushing their units to the breaking point, by letting his corporate enablers like Halliburton, Bechtel and Blackwater rape and pillage not just the Iraqis, but our own army.

Can you imagine how apoplectic the flag-pin people would be if these same transgressions against the military were being made by Bill Clinton? Oh, who am I kidding? They'd still be obsessing about the blow job.

— Bill Maher


Here's my response to the friend who brought this clip to my attention:

“AWESOME! Thank you for posting that clip of Bill Maher, as well as the text. Friends of mine (and my bosses) who support that loser who sits in the Oval office (and his puppet master, Cheney) just don't get it. They froth at the mouth anytime a person takes their poster-child of ineptitude (gwb) to task, accusing anyone who would DARE speak ill of the president of being unpatriotic, etc. Such bullshit!

"I'm unpatriotic because I place more value on the lives of our troops than I do on an ill-planned WAR waged by two oil-rich bastards who wouldn't know the true meaning of Christian values if those same values snuck up and bit either of 'em on the ass?" Please. (And God forgive me but I have no idea how bush managed to "get elected" yet again.) I mean, I really thought we had a chance of getting rid of him in the last election. I was shocked when it didn't happen!

There are those among my own family who support the man. That's fine; everybody is entitled to their opinion. I've a cousin, however, who won't even talk to me anymore because I (thinking the video was funny and entertaining) sent a link to him to a video on youtube that poked some harmless fun at GWB and Tony Blair. The video is titled "Blair & Bush At The Gay Bar" and was obviously made simply to amuse is titled "Blair & Bush At The Gay Bar" (click here to view the video). However, as with far too many who tow a hard-right, conservative line it's okay to go on and on, catterwalling about Bill Clinton's blowjob in the oval office but certainly a horse of a different color when I myself take exception to the sitting president (whom I often refer to as "the poster-child of ineptitude").

By the way, just because I'm registered as a Democrat and hold fairly liberal views you should make the mistake of thinking I wholly support every Democrat's position. I don't. In point of fact I'm more of a Libertarian than anything else and always pepper my choices in the elections with all three (Democrats, Republicans and Independents alike).

The Misrepresentation Of The People Act

How many of you are tired of your elected representatives lying to you? All too often, they do so to get elected. They [continue] to lie to "stay elected." They lie to cover up their misdeeds; actions they've had a direct or in-direct hand in, which resulted in a budget or monetary windfall realized by an associate of theirs (which I'm certain they're sharing in, as well). It's become "Big Business - the Art of Lying To The American People." Hmm, I think that might make for a good book title. Dibs!

Well, across the sea, in that place our forebears fought so hard to break free of (we all know it as the United Kingdom, UK for short), they're having the same sort of problem. But an act of legislation is being discussed which, if passed, might address it in full. It's called "The Misrepresentation Of The People Act" and I think it would be a wonderful(!) thing to have here in the States, as well! Just imagine if our elected officials could have their feet held to the fire for lying to us! Sure, the burden of proof would still be on whomever was bringing up the charge -- but the tools would be in place to sufficiently PUNISH the offending politician if the basis for bringing the charges was proven! Oh, what joy it would be to see the turn of the tide. To actually see politicians seeking office for the "right reasons" (to help and fairly represent us poor chumps), encouraged to do so because to do otherwise might put them in real harm's way of being punished -- and punished severely! I'm all for it.

Of course, I'm not naive. I know getting such a piece of legislation passed in this country is going to be every bit as difficult as it's proving to be over in the UK. But what does it hurt to try? Good Lord, there are other pieces of legislation we've been trying to get passed for decades — and we haven't given up on those! Here in Texas, we continually go back and forth on legislation which was targeted toward homosexuals, making it a criminal offense for us to show our love for our partner. (I'm not even certain where we stand on that at the moment, as we seemingly "win the fight" only to have it overturned a couple of years later. I know, I know, I should pay closer attention... I don't. At least, not to that particular piece of business - because my own attitude is "Fck em, I'm going to be who I am and to hell with anybody who wants to legislate my actions!" /rambling/ )

But to get back on track. Wouldn't you like to see legislation of this sort introduced here in the United States? Wouldn't it, if properly and thoroughly upheld, only serve to benefit all of us? Would not passing such legislation, perhaps, give a little hope to those of us who have [already] lost faith in the system? Good grief, just imagine if it really DID work!

One of the links provided from the Google search I did on "The Misrepresentation Of The People Act" led to a short video featuring responses from some of the (I think they call them "magistrate" in the UK - but I could be wrong) ... "the powers that be" will suffice, I suppose. Here is the link. Check it out and you tell me if this doesn't seem like the exact kind of feeble, rhetorical response we'd get from most of our own representatives right here in the States. (All the more reason to get this kind of legislation introduced and passed.)


Saturday, October 13, 2007

Mama Looks To Buy a New Home

My brother and I were born six years apart. Any of you who have siblings with a stretch of about the same amount can probably relate. We didn't get along terrifically growing up. Not terribly, just not real close. I was the older brother who had his own itinerary and was too impatient to be bothered by a tag-along. *laughs* My brother, younger, always seemed to be in the thick of things. Plus, he was always into my toys from an early age --- something I might add that I dont' have to worry about today! haha

However, we get along GREAT today. Seldom do a few days (five at most) go by that one of us isn't calling the other to see what's up. He still lives back in our hometown of Carlsbad; I, having moved to Dallas a few months before my 22nd birthday many years ago. I moved here for employment and just to get into a larger city to find myself. I'm proud of my brother; he's accomplished a lot and has a wonderful family. (Because of him, I have a beautiful young niece and handsome nephew, both of whom are the apples of their uncle's eyes. THEY can do no wrong and you'd be hard pressed to hear me to say otherwise. Also, they are the best lookin' and smartest kids in the world (not that I'm biased mind you). Their mom, my sister-in-law, is a great gal. Such a twinkle exists in her eyes. Love her, love her, love her... AND she knows what kinds of greeting cards are going to tickle my fancy when they all go on vacation, like to the beach for instance! Show me a HUNK! -- not some bikini-clad chick like my brother would choose to send! *chuckles to self*

Now, how did this become about my brother and his family? It was supposed to be about Mom and her new house! *facepalm* Okay...

My brother and I grew up in a place that ... for lack of a better description, was "pieced together." Dad would tell you it was "Okie-built" *laughs* (THAT means nothing was put together "correctly" in his opinion ---- it could have all been just as easily held together by baling wire.) Apologies to those who live in Oklahoma; nothing personal. You work with what you have. *devilish grins*

You won't get any argument from my brother or I that the house was anything but spectacular but looking back we had some pretty great times in that house. It wasn't the most beautiful home on the block and one of the rooms that'd been added on along the way appeared to be a bit "lower" than all the rest. (The roofline supported this speculation and the floor of that room is about an inch lower than all others in the home.) ...and perhaps it was because we grew up in that home that the first room I look at in any place I'm looking to move into myself is the bathroom. The bathroom in our old home was anything but spacious and/or glamorous; it STILL isn't to this day.

Poor Mom. All she wanted all those years was a place she could call home that she was proud of. Dad, though I loved him immensely, figured "as long as you've got a sturdy roof over your head (no matter what it looks like), you're set!"

Eventually, Dad would build a nice shop building out behind the house where he could retreat to and work on his "projects" ... few of which ever involved "improvements" to the home. *LOL* Mom would get so frustrated with him, but she loved him and sat aside her dreams for a nicer home... ...and Dad NEVER gave it another thought. He had, after all, his shop. (c:

But Dad was diagnosed with cancer several years back (passing on the 15th of February, 2005). My brother and I watched on, keeping a close eye on how Mom would react as Dad's health declined. (They could get on one another's nerves to an extreme but you always knew they'd come out the other side of the argument making up. Actually, I'd prefer NOT to think too much about that! I'd much prefer to think of my own birth as being the result of some immaculate conception. After all, parents don't have sex; they just "rastle." *LOL* )

It's been a while now since Dad passed on and while I don't think my brother and I ever really thought it all that likely that she would, Mom has been looking for a new place to move into. Her own dreams of having a nicer home are alive and well! And I'm rather glad of that. I'm proud of all that she's accomplished (she always worked her butt off for my brother and I --- and when Dad took early retirement, she continued working to support the both of them. When Dad was diagnosed with cancer and undergoing treatment she took care of him AND continued to work.

But now it's close to that time in Mom's life when she's going to be retiring herself. It's nigh time she was able to live out some of her own dreams. And she's made an offer on a nice three-bedroom home nearer downtown there. I've walked through the place and it's really quite nice. I think it's a great place for her! (Heck, maybe I'll even move back home!! *LOL*) Yes, she is paying top-dollar for it. So what! If it makes her happy I say, "do it!"

Here's the rub and I'm a little put out with some of my extended [blood] family because of it; Aunts and Uncles. They don't seem to understand Mom has given up a lot to keep her husband (mine and my brother's father) happy and to provide for us kids when we were growing up. Dad was a great guy but the truth be told Mom sat aside her own dreams for a nicer place to live in order to keep peace between the two of them. But for whatever their reasons, some in my family apparently believe Mom doesn't need to be moving into a nicer place. I don't know if they're jealous or think she doesn't deserve to indulge in some dreams of her own or what. I really don't care; this is my Mom and she's spending her own money so I'm in full support of whatever she decides. The rest of the family can go pound sand for all I care.

Those aunts and uncles who might have nothing good to say about it can just keep their opinions to themselves. If they can't say something supportive and nice, they can keep their mouths shut. If what I'm saying doesn't meet with their approval and they prefer to say something snide in response, they can simply kiss my ass. (c: ...if they think I'm a git for taking up for my own mother, THEY don't know the meaning of the word "family."

Don't get me wrong. I love all of my family but my brother, Mom, niece and nephew, sister-in-law ... and memories of Dad ... they come first! Aunts and Uncles, cousins --- they're all nice to have around but they aren't the ones who have always been there for me. They're not the ones who lost sleep when things weren't going well at all and I was in the midst of an abusive relationship. My family is happy for me I'm sure but Mom, Dad, my brother; they're the ones who allow me my own opinions, even if some of those opinions might be far different from their own — and who have always stuck by me. Family is important to me, just as some of my closest friends are important to me (you know who you are --- I make no secrets of it).

Besides, I've already purchased Mom's house-warming gift (and if she doesn't get THIS house it'll be delivered to Carlsbad in wait for the next one).

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Hackers Suck!

Hackers! They suck (and I don't mean in a way that's even remotely pleasant!) If I had my way, I would use every resource available to track them down, STRIP 'em clean of their clothes, attach about fifteen-hundred pounds (1500 lbs) of weight to their gonads --- and DROP the weight over the side of a three (maybe five) story building. Yessiree, you could say that I have no more patience with these pond scum of the earth!!!

A friend on MySpace has been experiencing problems of recent with his account after it was hijacked. His access to his own profile has been, at best, only "sporadic" since and because of who it is I am sad and grumpy. (He's a good guy - a friend I keep a closer eye on than some because of his own set of life's circumstances.)

Having no children of my own I guess I sometimes get caught up in the role of doting father-figure to some. There are some of my friends on Myspace who are truly thought of as virtual kids of my own. I'm proud of them to the point of caring whether they're getting good grades in college, feeling well and are happy and fulfilled, etc.

Anyways, the point of this blog. I can't stand people who create havoc for others by creating malicious code ("computer virus") that they then release onto the unsuspecting public. As I said earlier, a friend was caught up in a web of deceit when his computer became infected via a trojan worm virus on Myspace. The virus was a keystroke tracker. His password for his MySpace account was compromised and... I really don't know what all happened after that. Only that messages were being purportedly sent out from his account that DID NOT FIT HIS PERSONALITY. I was beginning to wonder if he might need to see a shrink (until he was able to get a message out to inform me of what he was facing with his account and the virus). His messages were very out of character and his relationship status kept changing on his profile. (Since I knew that he was in a committed relationship that was kind of the dead giveaway something wrong. I could be mistaken but I don't see he and his partner ever breaking up; no matter, HOW young they might be. At least, I pray he never has to go through that.)

So life begins to get back to normal, then...

This morning, I get a message from an account I don't recognize here on MySpace. Go to read it and am immediately told "You have to login to do that." I remembered this was precisely what others had said happened immediately before their REAL PROBLEMS would commence. (They would "log in" and what happened next was some kind of keystroke tracker would "track their keystrokes and send the password back to some unknown person who would then use the information to hack in and take over their profile.)

A bit panic-stricken since I have a number of friends I care a lot about, and with whom I didn't wish to fall out of touch with because of some @sshole who was creating code to break into users accounts here on MySpace, I quickly CLOSED the browser. Ran a scan of the computer using MacAfee anti-virus software (locking down the firewall as well), restarted the browser and DELETED the offending email. I had to close the browser a couple of times and restart, logging in, before I was able to do all of this successfully ... but [eventually] think I was able to get rid of the message/code and change my password.

I'm blogging about it because each one of you should be on your guard against these computer viruses. No, I'm not paranoid (but I've seen others come across [computer] viruses over the years that would make a grown man froth at the mouth in anger). I realize we live in a world that includes half-witted, though apparently technologically savvy, little creatures whose only joy in life is to create a little chaos for their brothers and sisters - and I have no patience for them. Anyone who creates and/or knowingly distributes computer virus code is, in my opinion, not worth the space they take up in this world.

And don't think that if you're a friend, my attitude will change. Imagine this. An EX friend of mine made the mistake of admitting he "collected" computer viruses as a hobby. Okay. WEIRD hobby. His mistake was making a comment in jest one day that he should send "somebody neither one of us was very fond of at that time" a computer virus. He was shocked by my tumultuous anger as I berated him for even thinking of such a thing. For some strange reason, this is and has always been a hot issue for me. Probably because I have been reminded time and again of just how annoying it is when you are affected by these viruses. One year I wasted two days trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my computer (I forget what the symptoms were but remember being of the impression I needed to replace the video card - so did). Problem was, the new card "did not work either." I would [eventually] discover it was a frikken' computer virus. I followed tech supports advice and cleared out the virus; the video restored and life returned to normal - but not before I'd spent some hard-earned money to buy a new [video] card and anti-virus software. (I chose to keep the card because it was an upgrade to what I was using previously and I liked it, but... You get the point.) Of course, my mantra since that day was never to be without anti-virus software that was both current and running on my machine.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Life and Lessons Learned

This first appeared as a blog entry on MySpace. Considering the subject I'm certain the blog will evolve. (There is simply too much material to cover in one sitting; mostly because my emotions prevent me from remaining objective for long enough periods of time to get it all down in one foul swoop.) I try not to write/dwell on this too much because it pains me that I was ever so blind to some of the events in my life. However, some of the tension I've observed between others on MySpace of recent have caused me to think back on the past thirteen years of my life and [sadly] this has resulted in some bad dreams of recent.

My dreams are a bit more vivid these days due to one of the drugs I am taking to assist my immune system. Something which would never have been necessary had I just listened to my gut feeling long ago. (You'll understand in time.)

Know this, I’m not writing because I’m sad, happy, angry or upset. I’m just putting into words some of the details of my own life in the hope it will help you understand me better and (perhaps more importantly) help others avoid some of the mistakes I myself have made since 1994. None of us is perfect; we all make mistakes and suffer the consequences — but as I’ve said before, none of us is an island unto ourselves. Others can learn from our mistakes and should, as we should learn from the mistakes of others. If my mistakes can help to make your life a bit easier by helping you to understand what to pay more attention to, as well as what you may be expending too much energy on, than read on and apply what you may.

I, as everybody, have personal goals and dreams. One of those has been to find my perfect match and settle in for a life-long relationship together. After all, isn’t that pretty much something everybody wants deep down? To be loved and to love in return? (Perhaps not but I think most people feel that way.) Of course, a “perfect” match is a bit much to ask for. LOL!!! (None of us is perfect, darlin’!) *laughs*

My first love was when I was but twenty-one (maybe 22, now that I think about it). He was a blonde-haired youth (of 21 himself) from PA who played the Sax and sang in church. We worked together at Electronic Date Systems (EDS), a data processing company founded by H. Ross Perot. I thought I loved Paul with all of my heart but over the course of time, it became clear we would never last. His family was very religious, as was he (that wasn’t the problem but it leads up to why we broke up). Paul felt his gift of song was one that would be taken away if he “gave in” to his feelings of attraction to men. He broke up with me and then began telling others at work that I’d pursued him, encouraging all sorts of rumors. I was heartbroken and kept silent for several weeks. (It was no secret to friends with whom I worked that I was, and am, gay. They didn’t have a problem with it then. They don’t have a problem with it today and one of them [presently] remains a very good friend, though we did go through a rough patch for a few years beginning in 2001/2002 - but that story, though related, is for a later post.)

Getting back to the point, Paul was having serious misgivings about “giving in” to his homosexual attractions and felt doing so went against everything he’d been raised to believe in, in the church. In order to “cope” he began to spread vicious lies and probably attracted more attention than he might have if he’d just kept quiet. (*laughs softly*) He was severely troubled by his sexuality, simply put. Sadly, that is something which still afflicts far too many today — trying to reconcile their own sexuality with the religious beliefs they are brought up with. Anyways, his lies made my life uncomfortable at work, to the point that, one day I simply pulled him aside in the hall and tersely told him, “if you’re going to continue lying about what has happened, we’re going up to the front office right now. If I’m to lose my job over your own sexual/religious hang-ups — which, I might add, you need to work out for yourself — than we’re BOTH going to lose our jobs!” After that, he agreed he’d quit spreading rumors. We never did get back together though I continued to love him for some time afterward.

(I still think back to memories of Paul and his soft voice today and I hope he is well. I hope he’s [finally] found some way to reconcile his [religious] beliefs with his sexuality and find a happy medium. In some way, he took root in a corner of my heart and will remain there forever. I don’t dwell on the loss - but it is a part of my history. Somebody who played a big part in my growing up and he was my first love. That said, this blog entry did not start out with the intention of replaying that bit of my past. /surprise to me/ —- The real drama is yet to come and that is what I want my friends here to read about but knowing about Paul may help you to understand why I was blind to what would become my future, leaving me with some of the consequences I live with today. Doing so can help you to avoid some lasting consequences of your own I hope.)

[Fast-forward past "Rodney" to "Greg"] ….I’ll talk about Rodney in a later post, as well. He, like Paul, is a part of my past that has helped make me into the man I am today. He’s probably the one great regret that I have (our going in our different directions, that is) for Rodney was one of the most sentimental, passionate men I have every really known. He deserves much more mention than just a “side note” in a blog entry that is [primarily] about “keeping your eyes open and paying attention” to what your gut is trying to tell you.

Greg, I met in October of 1994. He was an engineer. Very technical minded and very shrewd. (He was also, I’m sad to say, a person who could tell you a bald-faced lie so convincingly you would take it at face value. He was able to do so, I believe, because I think he believed his own lies himself.)

Greg and I first met on America Online (AOL), a service similar to others of its time that is still alive today. Some of you have accounts there I think. AOL had a chat area and at the time I was, let’s see, thirty years old. Greg and I began to chat there for long hours at a time and [eventually] met up and went out on some dates. It had been five years since Rodney and I had split up and though I had been dating a lot, what I really wanted was to settle down with somebody and build a life for the both of us together. I didn’t want to be the “caretaker” any longer; I wanted to find somebody who was successful in their own right, who could pull their own weight. I had a job with EDS and could pay my own bills but I didn’t really want to have to baby-sit somebody else. (Oh, now that I think of it — there was another person who came into my life between Rodney and Greg. HE was the reason I was adamant that the person I settle down with have the ability to pay their own way. His name was Charles —- more on Charles later but basically, he was a big “user” of people. He was a liar and a cheater (there isn’t any better way of putting it) —- but he wasn’t as adept at using people without their knowledge as, as time would show, Greg was. Charles and Greg are both reasons why I am VERY selective with who I allow into my inner circle of friends today.) Greg has, however, made the biggest impact on my life to date in the form of “what NOT to allow to happen.” (*sigh* and *laugh* at the same time)

So. Greg and I meet. We, all too quickly, get heavily involved and he moves in with me. (WARNING!) We are “in love” (but somewhere, deep down, my gut is telling me something is very wrong here). We begin to make plans for the future and, in time, I leave my job of [almost] twelve years with EDS to form a company with Greg. Much of our life is about “image” *shudder* and it becomes clear to me that I have most likely made a VERY BIG mistake. But I feel trapped. I’ve left my job. I’m emotionally drained. I feel there’s no way I can get out and rebuild my own life at this point. If I leave, will I be able to pay my bills and take care of my pet cocker-spaniel, Cassie, who has always been there for me (since the summer after I had turned 21)? (I don’t have a dog today but I grew up with pets and I’ve had some [dogs] who were GREAT! I love dogs. They’re so trusting and stand by you, even when the chips are down. Of course, I imagine some cats are the same way — but I have known few cats that I had as good an experience with, as I have with dogs. I’m, I guess, a “dog” person. *laughs*)

Back to story. I’m feeling “trapped” and I stay in the relationship. More of Greg’s lies become obvious to me over time. More emotional and mental abuse. (He never hit me, though in truth, that would have been much easier to rebound from than the mental/emotional abuse I would later find myself recovering from. Now I know why wives who are physically abused stay with their abusers. Because there is a level of emotional abuse, as well, and they don’t feel as though they even CAN get out.) It was terrible … and yet I stayed … UNTIL!

One day, 6.5 years into our [abusive] relationship (Cassie had had to be put to sleep a year earlier when her body began shutting down from the effects of old age), I realized just how angry a person I was becoming myself. I would look at Greg in our home and think, “oh, HOW easy it would be to take this damn iron skillet and hit him over the head - to STOP the abuser from ever abusing me again!” I realized that if I didn’t get out and get out quickly, I was going to [further] turn into a person I abhorred. The abuser himself. I also knew that if I acted on my feelings of rage over the abuse I had been feeling, I was going to end up in jail.

I began to make plans for the next three months. I needed to figure out where I would live. HOW I would live didn’t matter much, at this point; only that I had a place to go to and began to rebuild my life.

We had property together (an $80000 motor home and a Grand Cherokee jeep that was in my name — because I’d taken a loan out for us to live on after the business began to fail, due to our increased fighting and lack of attention to our work). I had a lot of credit card debt because we’d been LIVING on credit. The IRS was breathing down my back because they couldn’t find evidence of a tax deposit Greg was supposed to have made for me, for my taxes from a couple of years earlier. To put it simply, my life was sh&t and I had a lot to deal with. I was suicidal, after having attempted suicide a couple of years earlier. I made it through this period of my life ONLY because I was determined to not let my abuser win and be the reason for a complete downfall! I put one foot in front of the other and began to live, one day at a time.

But before I left on my birthday in 2001, I had decided I needed just ONE piece of good news. Since I felt, in my deepest of places, that my physical health had not been affected by all of the abuse of those past 6.5 years, I decided to go get some blood drawn for an HIV test. I’d always been very good about getting tested regularly before Greg and I had met in 1994. I knew, from a test taken just before we’d met that October, that I was still HIV-negative and —for whatever my reasons— felt that had not changed in the 6.5 years since. However, I just wanted to see it in print in front of me. ONE piece of good news! I’d had my blood drawn the Wednesday before my 38th birthday (2001). I had planned on leaving ON my birthday, that following Monday. The results of my HIV test would be available two days later, on Wednesday. I went in and the young man said, “let’s go to the back and talk about your results.” (BAM!) THAT wasn’t the way this had always gone, back before I’d met my [now] ex and been regularly tested. The news had always been good and they’d been willing to give it right up front. Sh&t!

Thus began another chapter in my life. I realized then that my unwillingness to pay attention to my gut feelings so many years before — combined with my resistance to leave an abusive relationship until so many years later — bore consequences I would have to live with for the rest of my life. This was the day I would find out I had been infected with the HIV virus. I was dumbstruck.

From there, I went to the county health agency to apply for assistance and get some counseling. (Good story to tell about that— Will write about it in another entry though.) I called some friends of mine that I was temporarily staying with, to tell them what was going on and see if anybody had called for me. They said that Greg was calling them [constantly] and I should call him. I did. I told the @sshole where I was, WHY I was there — and he said, “are you blaming me?” I think I’ll save you from having to read what my response was at that time. LOL! (I was PISSED! Very, VERY piss&d off and very, very angry!)

I was angry with him because I was certain (and still am to date) that he had lied to me about his own HIV status. I was more angry with myself for having ignored my intuition; for not listening to my gut when, deep down, it was telling me danger lay ahead (back in 1994). I was VERY angry with myself for having taken Greg at face value when he had told me he was HIV-negative in ‘94 and allowed myself to begin having unprotected sex with him. (The latter is what made me the angriest; my disappointment in myself and the anger I felt toward myself.)

This may come as a shock but through all of this, I still had some feeling of love toward my abusive [ex] partner. I even prayed whatever would come of my having been infected with HIV, that the effects would be felt only by myself. That Greg would enjoy good health and suffer no consequences. Yes, I know. That’s probably stupid. I’m not a mental health worker so can’t say with definitive certainty but I imagine somebody, somewhere, has labeled this kind of reaction. Given what I’ve read of Stockholm’s Syndrome and the abuse I felt I had just (survived?), maybe it qualifies as that. I don’t know.)

I have to take a break from this for a while. I’d like to enjoy “some” of my Sunday. However, I did want to put some of this down for my friends here to read. In hopes they will have a better understanding of where I’ve been, what I’ve survived and what has helped to form me into the person I am today. Some of you knew I was (and continue to be) HIV-positive, as a result of my relationship with Greg. Many or most of you know that I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (cancer) late last year and took four (4) months off from work while undergoing chemotherapy. Still, some of you did not know that the cancer was, as the doctor’s believe, the result of my having been infected with the HIV virus (because it had suppressed my immune system and made it “convenient” for the cancer to manifest within my body).

That said, it is not my wish to scare my young friends here with a story that seems to be predominantly, at this point, about health. I want you to know how important it is to “trust” yourself and to be “honest” with others. To place “respect” for yourself and for all others above whatever personal desires and feelings of “need” you may have.

I love my friends. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t relive this and go to all the trouble to write it down for each of you to read (and it takes a LOT of space, I know — I apologize for the wordiness of the entry — and it’s not even finished). *shocked look on face*

You are each important to me for different reasons. I see in you the future of mankind. The chance that the world can change for the better. Some of you have proven to me time and again that you have a far better grasp on what is important than others; than even myself. One of the most recent adds to my list of friends has experienced, I suspect, his own version of hell over the past six years. I’m looking forward to getting to know him better; not because I want somebody to commiserate with (I don’t dwell on my past as much as this entry might lend you to believe — it is what it is; I’ve moved on, I think) but because he’s got an interesting insight into life, himself.

So, until my next entry may God bless each one of you and just know I hold you dear to my heart. I love my friends and send each of you hugs from Dallas.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Friends, Fans and Hero Worshipers

I previously wrote about the relationship between "aLtitude" and "aTitude." I made some subtle reference to the subject of friends but now I want to expand a little more on that subject.

What do you think of when you consider the term "friend"? Do you think of somebody who stands by you in fair weather and foul? Is a friend somebody who follows you around, agreeing with you and offering shows of support at every turn? Or is a "friend" somebody who believes in you; who has your best interests at heart, even when it means telling you something you might not wish to hear?

There are probably as many different definitions for the word "friend" as there are friends in the world. After all, everybody has a different idea of what a friend is to them.

Some people want their friends to agree with them all of the time. Those are the people who want to hear they're right even if what he or she is doing goes against most people's better judgment. (Isn't it strange how those people never make mistakes?) They only want to be surrounded by "hero worshippers." You know the type. "Hero worshippers" never seem to have an opinion of their own. They're always in agreement with whoever is willing to speak for them. It isn't that they're clueless or don't have the ability to form an opinion. They're just afraid to voice it lest they chance "losing their friend." A hero worshipper is not a true friend to his or her subject of adoration; they're just a fan. There's a big difference and you'd do well to recognize it. A "fan" is useful to someone like a music artist or a thespian; they're complete rubbish to the average guy or gal who would fair so much better for having a few really good friends in his or her midst.

A true friend is somebody who doesn't always agree with you but will stand by your side in good times and bad. Someone who will, if they think you're headed down a path of wanton destruction, pull you aside and calmly tell you you're being a git! (Okay, well -- maybe they wouldn't quite put it that way but a real friend will sure as hell let you know when you're simply being bullheaded and preparing to do something that CAN'T end well.) They'll respect your individuality but will calmly attempt to give you a different perspective to consider. They'll do so with your own best interest at heart and not a care of what is in it for themselves.

Real friends, another word, tell you like it is! They'll take the chance that you'll see they are not trying to pull you down or create problems but rather, only trying to do what will give YOU the best chance to succeed in life - or to stay healthy - or to avoid a path that's certain to leave you really, really sad.

If you've got friends like these in your life, you're a rich man or woman, boy or girl.

(But if nobody has taken the chance to tell you you've been behaving like a little git lately, don't despair. You probably STILL have some really good friends in your midst. They just like the entertainment value of what you've been doing and recognize your actions aren't really going to cause any lasting damage or physical pain.) Sorry, couldn't resist. You knew I had to say something to lighten the mood and make you smile after all this serious talk!)

At any rate, look around you. Are you surrounding yourself with people you would call real friends and are you being a true friend to them in return... or are you all just bobbing your heads up and down and saying what everybody wants to hear? Don't be the fan or the hero worshipper; go out on a limb and take the lead by setting an example. Be true to your friends. Be genuine. Be authentic. Give a damn about the people around you and (trust me) they'll give a damn about you. If you are reading this as a "bulletin" here on MySpace, it's because you're on my list of friends ... and I care.

(If you didn't receive this as a bulletin ... or I didn't personally direct you to this page, I'm still very glad you made it here. I hope you find the message to be of some use to you as you continue along this journey we call Life.)

aLtitude and aTitude

Looking back over some of my latest blog entries on MySpace, I've been a bit too absorbed in some of the negative aspects of life recently. I suppose any one of us is susceptible to getting sidetracked by drama anywhere along our journey through life but remember that your life's "aLtitude" will be defined by your own "aTtitude." How far do YOU want to go? How successful do you want to be? Do you want to be somebody who is known for being a "positive" influence on others ... or the person who's always dragging everybody else down? You have a choice to make.

I'm certainly not saying that a person should be oblivious to the problems his or her family and friends are facing. That's what being a friend to another is all about; being there to support those who are close to your heart in their hour of need.

However, we should not allow the tensions and problems our friends are facing to influence our own life so much so that we get bogged down in feeling "sad" all of the time. Life really isn't all about problems; there is a happier side to life, as well. Perhaps you've heard the old adage, "you can choose to get glad in the same shoes you got mad in" (or something to that effect). Well, it's true - each one of us has the ability to choose whether we wish to be happy or to be sad. Rather to be content or to be mad. There will most likely always be some sh&t that'll come along that we will have to deal with. So what! (If there wasn't, would we really appreciate those moments when the sh&t WASN'T hitting the fan? LOL!) ..okay, maybe that came off as a bit sarcastic. *laughs* It's life, people. We're here to live it; to make the most OF it. You can't do that if you're always sitting in the middle of the room crying and playing the part of "oh, poor me."

Heck, if I'd done that six (6) years ago when I discovered I'd become HIV-positive because I'd made some decisions that were the direct result of being lied to by my ex (regarding his own status), I would never have survived. If I'd given in last year when (as a result of having been infected with the HIV virus) I developed and had to be treated for Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (cancer), I wouldn't have survived the treatment and [since] gone into remission. (Yes, I have a fifty percent chance, so they say, that the cancer will come back. I'll deal with it if and when that happens but there's no guarantee in life. That's what, I suppose, makes life interesting. That just about anything can happen.)

All things considered, I think we need the "lows" in our life to help us appreciate the highs (and no, Jarrod, I'm not talking about weed here). (I love my cousin but really; sometimes, I wonder about him.) *sigh* Does that mean I want to get stuck in the lows like some muddy damn bog in the middle of a marsh? No. I don't. I'll acknowledge life isn't perfect and take the good with the bad -- but I've got to do what I can to raise my own attitude this month. I'm here for those of you I consider to be my friends; you're all very dear to me for different reasons. I'd go so far as to say I love ya, as friends go, and I'm proud of what many of you have been able to accomplish in your young lives. Some of you have the ability to confound me on a daily basis with your own perspective on life; that's a good thing. If you're on my list of friends, it's because something about you peaked my interest --- you impressed me with your intelligence or your passion for life, or I saw in you someone with such a good heart that I really considered you to be a blessing in my life.

Yes, some have disappointed me recently but really - I imagine I've disappointed some of my own friends (maybe even in recent days). It's a part of what makes us human. I am not perfect, nor are any of my friends. If we were we wouldn't have any hope of becoming "better" people and we'd certainly be bored, as we wouldn't have anything left to strive for. I'll settle for being imperfect, but human. As such, I know I have a heart and that I'm willing to share the love that abides in it with my friends. It is just my hope that my friends know how valued they are to me.

So in closing let me just say I love you all. You're special. If I didn't think you were I wouldn't bother going to all of the trouble of checking in with each one of you from time to time to see how you're doing.

Best wishes with a hug thrown in for good measure...