Where did all the butterflies go?

Love,Relationships

Someone asks, “What is love like after five years?” I am probably the last person in the world who needs to respond to this question as the only long-term relationship I had (lasting 6.5 years) was abusive, both mentally and emotionally.

But I’ll take a stab at responding AND more importantly I’m hopeful others reading might throw their own two-cents into the ring.

So, here goes…

When we first meet someone we’re attracted to and begin to form the bonds of a relationship, we’re “in love.” We can’t help ourselves; every moment of every day seems to be littered with thoughts of what our BF (or GF if that’s your thing) might be doing. Is he thinking of us, as we’re thinking of him? We imagine he is… And when the two of you reunite at the end of the day you cannot wait to get your arms around one another. You generally end up in the bedroom (if you’re lucky enough to make it THAT far!) You’re “in love” and everything else in the world takes a back seat to what you are feeling when the two of you are together.

Then the newness of the relationship wears off and you’re exhausted from all of those hours of non-stop bunny-sex. The idea of saying, “Not tonight, babe, I have a headache” begins to sound both inviting and reasonable. Worse still are all those little things he does in bed that annoy the hell out of you that you have been overlooking up until now. “Go brush your damn teeth, damnit!” ROFL!!

“OMG! I’ve turned into my [insert your choice of parent here]!

So where do you go from this point forward? Well, it’s natural for two people in love to experience the waning of those butterflies. It’s either time to take the relationship on to the next stage or seriously consider whether an attraction is still there. Assuming you still feel some level of attraction for your partner and you still love one another, stick it out. After all, now you have the added benefit of functioning without behaving like a total dork. (And this makes it SO MUCH EASIER to be around, from the perspective of your friends who have wanted to run to the bathroom and puke every time “you and yours” were acting all giddy and couldn’t keep your hands off one another in the past!!) *kidding* LOL

I think it’s just natural that your reaction “to” and “around” one another evolves somewhat over time. You STILL love one another and you’re still in love with this person, but you’ve talked about and done enough with one another that the “newness” has worn off. Congratulations, you’re ready for the next step or challenge. Consider this, “In the process of discovering one another previously, did you uncover enough “treasure” (and no, I’m not talking about his dick size) to keep you interested for the next 50+ years of your life? More importantly, do you still love this person enough to SHARE the intimate details of your life with him or her for the next 50+ years?”

If you answered, “yes” – great (and It’s not as if you won’t ever share another one of those “Giddy” moments with your partner — you will, they’re just likely to be fewer and farther between).

If the answer was “no” then it’s time to be brutally honest and fair to both yourself and to your partner. It may be time to close the door and just be friends so that the both of you are open and available to the right person when he (or she) does come along. Don’t string your BF along if the attraction isn’t there anymore; doing so isn’t fair to either of you.

(And for what it’s worth… “Attraction” isn’t always about how narrow the waistline of your partner is, or the awesome look of his pecs in a “T” … or even that fantabulous washboard stomach. Those are all great and wonderful but if you don’t feel a “connection” to him because of who he is on the inside you’re going to miss out on the best that life has to offer. The same is true of yourself; staying in shape is necessary to live a long and healthy life but if you don’t consistently work on improving and expanding who you are on the inside, you’re going to miss out. You will get bored and when that happens, it opens up the realm of opportunity that the guy or gal you’re with may be become bored as well. I just think this is well worth mentioning for all to consider – EVEN myself.)

Moving along…

So you answered, “Yes, I still love this person enough to share the intimate details of my life with for the next fifty or sixty years. Where do I go from here?“

Spice it up! You’re questioning the relationship because the “Zing!” isn’t there anymore! You LOVE him but all the butterflies flew away, seemingly never to be seen or heard from again (but that doesn’t have to be the case).

Maybe the two of you have just gotten into a rut and it’s time to pull out some of the stops and liven your sex life up a bit. Set some boundaries but ask your partner about some of the things he may have fantasized about in the past. Risk it and tell him about some of your own [fantasies] as well and don’t stop there. Try to figure out how the both of you might make one another’s fantasies … a reality.

The sex aside (after all, physical attraction is one thing; so too, the sex but…)

In closing, live your life with integrity by staying true to yourself and the goals/dreams you’ve personally set. If the relationship you’re in is healthy and you’re still in love with the person, you’ll factor in how the decisions you make, may affect your partner and his future happiness as well. If they do (factor in his happiness), that’s a pretty good clue the love you both share is still very much alive and well; you’ve just taken your relationship to another stage is all.

This is just my take on love and as stated from the very beginning, my success rate inasmuch as love and lasting relationships is concerned is TERRIBLE. :(

Take from this journal entry what you will and please feel free to comment and share your own ideas on healthy relationships and love. My guess is there are as many different variations on what makes for a healthy, happy relationship as there are people in the world. I’d be interested in hearing what you might think.

Namaste,
Michael

Related Links:

• break the illusion.com (Davey Wavey asks “What is love like after five years?” Click on the above link to read what others have said — and I also encourage you to follow Davey’s blog. He appears to be a loving, young man and he writes from the heart.)

Brendan Burke, a story of Courage

Gay,In Memoriam,Sports

A courageous young man died Friday at the all-too-early age of twenty-one. Brendan Burke, son to the Toronto Maple Leafs general manager Brian Burke, along with his close friend (Mark A. Reedy, 18) died when the vehicle they were travelling in spun out of control due to weather conditions along a snow-covered US Route 35 (Wayne County, IN).

In some respects, young Brendan is seen as a pioneer for GLBTQ acceptance within the NHL. He was likeable, made friends easily and was comfortable enough within his own skin to come out; not only to his family, but also to the Miami University (Ohio) hockey team as their student manager. Everyone responded well to Brendan, looking past his sexual orientation and seeing him for the truly remarkable young man that he was (just as it should be).

Brendan spoke openly about his sexual orientation, hoping to help address homophobia within the sport of hockey. One of the catalysts for his decision to speak out came after he read an article in USA Today by former pro player Justin Bourne.

The elder Burke, Brian, loved and admired his son. He acknowledges the guts that it took for Brendan to come out and in support of his son, he marched with Brendan in the Toronto Pride Parade.

Brian Burke is quoted as having said, “There are gay men in professional hockey. We would be fools to think otherwise. And it’s sad they feel the need to conceal this.” When it comes to integrity, I’m compelled to say, “Like father, like son!” One can only imagine the pain that is now being felt by the families left behind by these two remarkable young men, Brendan Burke and Mark A. Reedy.

May God bless and keep you, Brendan and Mark… and in turn bless your families.

Namaste,
Michael

Related Links:

• TSN with Brian and Brendan Burke on coming out (YouTube)
• We love you, this won’t change a thing –Brian Burke, ESPN.com
• Brendan Burke raised awareness by coming out as young, gay athlete; dead at 21 (boston.com)
• Tributess flow in for Brendaan (The Globe and Mail)
• Justin Bourne on Brendan Burke’s untimely death
• Two teams united in grief (The Globe and Mail)
• True advocates hard to find (The Globe and Mail)
• Leafs devastated by death of GM’s son (The Globe and Mail)

Primary Blog Back Up and Running

blogging,personal website

Friends who've followed my blogs in the past know this blog is only really used as a backup because of the limited ability to include some of the media and widgets that I sometimes like to include.

(Basically, this site is used when my primary blog is down.) That has unfortunately been the case since around November of last year but because of the holidays, unemployment and a myriad of personal issues that have precluded me from addressing the issue and/or really even focusing on writing.. well, it just hasn't been resolved until recently.

As some of you may be aware, old blog was parked on www.n1spirit.com (my old personal web site).

That site is no longer up and running because the service provider (Hostonce.com) failed to notify me of a problem with my billing information in time to prevent service interruption. Give the numerous other issues I had with the service levels provided by Hostonce, I decided not to renew and instead open an account with GoDaddy.com (which I've been happy with thus far).

The name of my new web site is http://quipsnquills.com and my PRIMARY blog is up and running there.

For those who may be wondering "why two blogs, a primary and a backup?" here is my answer. The primary blog allows me more control over formatting and the overall look. I am also able to include widgets and media that is sometimes simply impossible here on blogspot. This is a great place to park a backup site but either I haven't mastered its intricacies yet (which is a given in my opinion) or it just isn't possible to do everything I'd like to do here.

The upside to blogspot is that I expect the domain to be around for a long time to come and were I to pass on unexpectedly, at least I can rest easy that my presence HERE will likely survive long after my the contract for my primary site is expired and it no longer is available to the public.

Anyway, the new PRIMARY BLOG includes all but a few [blog] entries that I'd not backed up in time late last year. It may be accessed at the following address:

http://quipsnquills.com/wordpress

I hope that you will follow me on "Quips and Quills" and offer my apologies to anyone who has been missing me. Just know that we are now back up and running in full force. Do enjoy the ride!

Namaste,
Michael (N1Spirit)

Best Things About Being Gay

Gay,Humor

Unlike one of my younger friends (who is also gay), I tend to write about gay topics more often --- or at least make comparisons to how I, as a gay middle-aged man, might feel about something from the perspective of my being gay. <shrugs> Meh! Sometimes, it's just all in fun ... like today's blog entry.

Althought some of the "reasons" identified in this entry may seem 'spot-on' with others who are gay, it is an attempt at humor. Nothing more, nothing less...

Enjoy!
Michael

The Ten Best things about being gay Are:

• No unexpected pregnancies.
  
  
• I get to set my own rules; nobody expects me to meet their (str8) expectations anymore. I don’t have to get married, settle down, raise kids, take on a mortgage – unless I want to.
  
  
• It has taught me to think for myself and be independent from others’ opinions. I don’t walk around with my finger in their noses, why should I walk around with my head in their opinions?
  
  
• It’s easier to save money: no wife, no kids, no school payments, etc.
  
  
• Since I am not tied down with family obligations, I have more time to travel, to study, to be with people I want to be with, to learn what I want to learn.
  
  
• I can be *friends* with members of the opposite sex, without the added pressure of being expected make it a sexual relationship.
  
  
• That once you come out, you discover who your true friends were in the first place, and those who were just playing along.
  
  
• It has taught me never to judge a book by its cover, and never to believe in stereotypes.
  
  
• After I came out, I realized that being gay was not my problem, and it never was – it was other people’s problem all that time – and it’s all in their narrow-minded heads.
  
  
• Being able to look at hot guys and just enjoy looking. My str8 male friends can’t do that (or at least, they won’t admit it!).

Feel free to add your own to the list! LOL.

A Blog Worth Following

Friend,Blog,Fellow Blogger,Family

This blog entry is dedicated to a much younger friend (he turns 22 on April 26th of this year), Michael. I could never say enough about this young man; what he has gone through and how tremendously well he has responded to his own demons. His life has not been an easy one but if you will take the time to share in his journey, by following the blogs he will (in time) share with his readers you will benefit greatly...

— Loving regards,
Michael

To Mikey:

(First off, I want you to be certain to allow David, your other loving half, to read what I am about to say. If you will do this I'm confident he will reiterate, telling you that everything I've given you credit for here is well-deserved!)

You've shared enough since we became friends, for me to understand just why you feel as you do about MySpace… Furthermore, anyone who "knows you" who is unwilling to give you the benefit of the doubt and understand that you have had good reasons for your actions, does not deserve your friendship. (I am, of course talking about your priorities of recent which have resulted in your not being able to spend as much time staying in touch with your Internet friends. IF they are friends, they will understand.)

I'm hopeful you will find a way to integrate your journal entries here now that you have established an Internet presence; entries I am convinced have the power to benefit many!!!

As for litigation and the possibility your online activities will be monitored, I don't know what to say besides, "Fuck them!"

I know that such language is quite unlike me (when you and I are exchanging messages anyway) but given what you have shared and knowing you as I do it seems quite unfair that such a loving child of God has to endure this b.s. all these long years later. It angers me to the point that I want to put my fist through a wall — or through the faces of those who have caused you all of this stress.

Okay, enough about that… Those bastards don't deserve the additional attention so instead let me proceed by saying:

You know that I care about you like a much-younger brother—not because of what is on the outside but because of the beauty that is found deep within. I find it humorous you would warn others to "hang on because it's going to be a 'rough' ride." Simply put, nothing about you is "rough." It will assuredly be a "bumpy" ride, however with both highs and lows as you share your thoughts on different subject matters and [especially] as you share with others those experiences that have helped to mold you into the loving young man you are today. That is part of your charm, Mikey; your ability to get real, to get serious and to say what you think in such a way as to provoke real thought from those who are blessed to enjoy your company.

You are reserved with your oratory affections (I understand) but I offer this observation for those who (1) take the time to read the introduction that appears at the top of your blog, and (2) are prepared to follow your blog. That observation would be:

"Michael is a loving, grounded soul that does not suffer fools lightly (despite playful metaphors). Should you make the decision to follow his blog, know that he is a young man but he is an "old soul." He is compassionate, giving and forgiving to a fault. If you take the time to visit his blog regularly, as entries are published, you will be blessed to hear from a man who speaks from his heart. What he shares with his readers is honesty; a frankness that is expressed with a voice that is both unique and beautiful ("Mikey" is exceptional at drawing his reader in, in such a way s/he is both entertained AND educated!). In short, the time you spend reading Michael's blog will be rewarded many times over by the "Love" he has to share with his readers."

You blushing yet, Michael?! ROFL!!! For those reading, Mikey does not always know how to take heartfelt compliments. I hear that he blushes easily and unmercifully! (and it gives me great pleasure sometimes to give him cause to do so). :p

But seriously, you deserve every word of what I've written and just know that I'm thrilled that David will be able to spend the four months with you in Bali (though I'm not quite certain Bali is PREPARED for what is about to be unleashed upon them)! LOL. *facepalm*

In closing, let me [again] just say that I love ya, buddy. At such a young age you are an inspiration for myself and for others. You certainly should not have had to suffer the disrespect you have endured but your drive to persevere and survive in the face of such struggles, and to do so with honor and in such a way that you are capable of freely giving of yourself and your time; these are things which I admire and love you for. I know that you have often said that you are the lucky one, for having David in your life. Let me say (and he will agree) that David is a very fortunate young man to have you in his life — and as I have always said, your mother and the rest of your family are very special in my eyes as well. My heart goes out to each of them in turn.

Hugs, love and all my best to you as you continue along your journey.

Namaste,
Michael in Dallas ;-)

~^~.^.~^~

For those wishing to follow Michael's blog (which is titled "Let Me Tell You What I Think"), please follow the link provided below.

http://michaelm0426.blogspot.com/

His blog presence on the Internet is fairly new so please give him the time necessary to upload whatever entries he already has prepared, as well as blogs about current events in his life. But if you will be patient and wait for the work, you will NOT be disappointed! He's a master story-teller (and by that I only mean to suggest he can take a subject and write about it in such a way that even the dullest of topics can be interesting). Yes, perhaps I am biased. Is that really a bad thing? LOL

If you take the time to follow him I think you will find that everything I've said about Michael is true.

Judging Something Good or Bad

It seems I’m up and about for the day (it began early, about 4:30 a.m. – oh well). Sleep disorder has been one of the things I’ve had to cope with since being laid off from my job with LandAmerica back in December of ’08. Sometimes my schedule just gets all turned around because I might worry about the future, how to pay the bills when savings and unemployment run out, etc. It’s during these times that my mind just won’t shut off and I end up staying up late (or even through the night) to make some headway on reworking my website or searching for jobs. When that happens I must grab sleep when I can so it turns out the middle of the day is the moment of availability… Then a vicious cycle begins. Fortunately I’ve been feeling exhausted enough by 8:30 in the evening that I’ve been having no trouble getting to sleep. Only problem is I then wake up a couple of times through the night; mostly just to use the “little boys room” (you know, the facilities .. LOL) and then I’m headed back to sleep, hopefully for the rest of the night.

This morning I woke up [again] around 4:30 and figured, “oh well, might as well research some things I want to work out regarding WordPress.” That’s the software I’m implementing so that I can host my blogs from my own site rather than be at the mercy of whomever (i.e. Blogspot or Myspace). There is one problem I’m having which makes me hesitate to move ALL of my blogs over to my site on WordPress – and that’s connecting to the site via Adobe’s Contribute software (but I’ll [hopefully] figure it out in time). Meanwhile, while checking out some of the nifty new videos on Wordpress.tv I stumbled across a reference to this website by Anny Chih. She’s pursuing a job as Caretaker of the islands of the Great Barrier Reef and has been shortlisted (along with 49 other candidates) for the position. Anny seems like a nice girl … um, okay “lady.” She posted a blog this morning about some email she received from someone who is apparently not so nice however. They were using the opportunity to insult her for her nationality. Sad really, that we as humans sometimes get so caught up in the events of what we’ve experienced in our own lives that we allow those experiences to bring out the worst in us. My recommendation to Anny is simply to not let this detractor’s form of vitriol distract her from her own goals and dreams.

Here’s a link to Anny's blog entry as well as my own comment to same.

My Comment: "I’m really sorry you had that experience. Yes, sometimes good things bring out the worst in people. As much as I’d like to say humans are not, people are often very self-serving. There is always another side to the coin however and it is that side I choose to focus on rather than the people who appear to embody the worst humanity has to offer. Don’t let this person’s response to your page bring you down or deter you from your goal(s). Everybody has rubbish in their lives and how they choose to respond to the rubbish will play a part in defining who they’ll ultimately become. The one who sent you that email obviously has allowed something to affect them in such a way that they have become resentful (in this case, of an entire race of people). That’s really sad but it’s their choice to do so and though they chose to interact with you in such a negative way, it doesn’t mean you have to allow it to become anything more than a blip on the radar of life for yourself. While it may be difficult to do so, don’t judge their comments as good or bad; just acknowledge that it happened and move forward. In so doing you refuse to allow THEIR baggage to attach to your own experience (life) and weigh you down. I wish you the best in your travels and hope you achieve what you’ve set out to achieve. —Michael P.S. Don’t for a moment think I’ve been successful in applying this approach to my own life “every waking moment.” *laughs-gently* I’ve had some rather harsh experiences with an ex (including consequences such as his infecting me with HIV) and there are times when it takes a great deal of effort for me to simply acknowledge what has happened and move forward. It takes practice, effort and [sometimes] the gift of time."

Some might question where I’m coming from with such advice (given my own experiences with an abusive ex). Also I must admit that one of my more recent blog entries might give one cause to think I myself harbor some resentment toward persons of a foreign nationality. Perhaps to some degree the majority of us DO fight such feelings and I readily admit that the events of 9-11 did affect my opinions of the Middle East (and sadly, still do to this day). However, the blog in question which makes reference to the levels of foreign aid by the U.S. was intended to be only a wakeup call to American citizens that we need to jog our priorities a little bit and start taking care of some of the problems within our own borders. We can’t do that effectively and still play the role of savior to all of the other countries in around the globe.

At any rate, the intent of my comment is you can give in to another’s hate and anger and let them win by focusing on what THEY did – or you can see their actions for what they truly are and dismiss them as insignificant in the broader scheme of things. Of course, it is not always easy to disregard the rants and tirades of a detractor but with practice you can and you’ll be all the better for having done so.

A little background: When I left my ex in 2001 I later enrolled in a meditation retreat (which would interestingly enough begin shortly after the events of 9-11). The focus of the retreat was on Vipassana Meditation. Vipassana means “to see things as they really are” and is one of India’s most ancient techniques of meditation. Regardless of one’s feelings toward the Middle East a person can benefit from the calming techniques inherent to this form of mediation (in my opinion).

The retreat and its teachings did seem to help me then and I’ve come to realize I need to again apply the lessons I learned back then. It’s amusing how we can all be knocked off our guard when everything in our lives seems to be moving along without any effort of our own; when money becomes the focus because of a job that has begun to pay more than we’ve previously made – and all of a sudden the job is gone. It’s kind of like “God” is for all too many people. When the events of their lives are going great thoughts of a higher power are nowhere in sight but as soon as they become riddled with stress and rife, who do they turn to? Don’t pretend it doesn’t happen. I’ve observed this in my own life many times … or perhaps I’m not as strong as most in this world (I don’t really believe that to be the case, however).

Folks, we appear to be entering into some VERY trying times given the current state of the economy and the number of people being laid off from their jobs. Now is certainly the time to learn how to cope with stress and difficulty if there was ever a time to do so.

Blessings and Light,
Michael

Ever failing economy and still we send more $$ overseas

The way I see it other nations look upon the U.S. as a great place to go when asking for assistance but when it comes time for those countries to repay us for all we've done they are nowhere to be found. Japan has benefited in more ways than I can describe (in part because of past aggressions which resulted in the institution of Article nine of its Constitution, prohibiting the country from maintaining land, sea and air forces). Though no “formal agreement” was ever in place whereby Japan officially relied on the United States for its defense — the continued presence of our troops over there cannot be mistaken as anything but…

Then there are our neighbors to the south who simply cannot seem to get a handle on the drug production and trafficking which continues to spill over the borders, creating more and more serious problems for our own country. While I’ve no doubt there is a lot of corruption, some at the highest levels of government, here within the U.S. I have less confidence in the politics of Mexico.

Let’s talk about the dollars that are being spent in Israel. Click here to see a breakdown of how much money has been “loaned” as compared to how much was given as “grants” to the country for military and economic purposes. Will we ever be repaid? I’m doubtful… We gave Israel $2,340 million (that’s almost $2.5 billion folks!) in 2007 alone to benefit their Israel's military, an additional $120 million in economic aid and another $40 million for the resettling of Jewish refugees.)

The aid we’ve given (and continue to give) to Israel and Egypt is for the most part just a reward for the cold peace in 1979. I have a difficult time believing what we’ve seen coming out of the Middle East is “peace.” Furthermore, if those in the Middle East sincerely believe theirs is a climate of peace then perhaps we could do far better spending our hard-earned dollars elsewhere — like here at home.

Of course we could always take a moment to talk about China. They do after all hold human rights in such high regard (sarcasm intended). Personally speaking, I am simply tired of seeing our country rushing in all of the time to police the affairs of the rest of the world when all it gets us is their disdain and uses up resources which could be put (in my opinion) to better use right here within our own borders. I’ve argued before that we’re a country founded on variety, ingenuity and opportunities. That we have flourished BECAUSE of our open borders and welcoming arms, but… I believe it is high time to say “enough is enough” and start handling our own affairs. It’s also time to close the loopholes which give tax incentives to those businesses that are quick to take jobs out of the USA and outsource to other countries.

It is time that American citizens stopped bickering amongst themselves long enough to take an active interest in just how our tax dollars are being spent and where the loyalties of this great nation lie. If we don’t… Well, I’m afraid that the future will be very bleak indeed. We are already experiencing trying times with an economy in deep distress … as more and more are being laid off from their jobs every day. When do we stand up and say, “Enough!”?

Just wondering.