Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Where did all the butterflies go?


Someone asks, “What is love like after five years?” I am probably the last person in the world who needs to respond to this question as the only long-term relationship I had (lasting 6.5 years) was abusive, both mentally and emotionally.

But I’ll take a stab at responding AND more importantly I’m hopeful others reading might throw their own two-cents into the ring.

So, here goes…

When we first meet someone we’re attracted to and begin to form the bonds of a relationship, we’re “in love.” We can’t help ourselves; every moment of every day seems to be littered with thoughts of what our BF (or GF if that’s your thing) might be doing. Is he thinking of us, as we’re thinking of him? We imagine he is… And when the two of you reunite at the end of the day you cannot wait to get your arms around one another. You generally end up in the bedroom (if you’re lucky enough to make it THAT far!) You’re “in love” and everything else in the world takes a back seat to what you are feeling when the two of you are together.

Then the newness of the relationship wears off and you’re exhausted from all of those hours of non-stop bunny-sex. The idea of saying, “Not tonight, babe, I have a headache” begins to sound both inviting and reasonable. Worse still are all those little things he does in bed that annoy the hell out of you that you have been overlooking up until now. “Go brush your damn teeth, damnit!” ROFL!!

“OMG! I’ve turned into my [insert your choice of parent here]!

So where do you go from this point forward? Well, it’s natural for two people in love to experience the waning of those butterflies. It’s either time to take the relationship on to the next stage or seriously consider whether an attraction is still there. Assuming you still feel some level of attraction for your partner and you still love one another, stick it out. After all, now you have the added benefit of functioning without behaving like a total dork. (And this makes it SO MUCH EASIER to be around, from the perspective of your friends who have wanted to run to the bathroom and puke every time “you and yours” were acting all giddy and couldn’t keep your hands off one another in the past!!) *kidding* LOL

I think it’s just natural that your reaction “to” and “around” one another evolves somewhat over time. You STILL love one another and you’re still in love with this person, but you’ve talked about and done enough with one another that the “newness” has worn off. Congratulations, you’re ready for the next step or challenge. Consider this, “In the process of discovering one another previously, did you uncover enough “treasure” (and no, I’m not talking about his dick size) to keep you interested for the next 50+ years of your life? More importantly, do you still love this person enough to SHARE the intimate details of your life with him or her for the next 50+ years?”

If you answered, “yes” – great (and It’s not as if you won’t ever share another one of those “Giddy” moments with your partner — you will, they’re just likely to be fewer and farther between).

If the answer was “no” then it’s time to be brutally honest and fair to both yourself and to your partner. It may be time to close the door and just be friends so that the both of you are open and available to the right person when he (or she) does come along. Don’t string your BF along if the attraction isn’t there anymore; doing so isn’t fair to either of you.

(And for what it’s worth… “Attraction” isn’t always about how narrow the waistline of your partner is, or the awesome look of his pecs in a “T” … or even that fantabulous washboard stomach. Those are all great and wonderful but if you don’t feel a “connection” to him because of who he is on the inside you’re going to miss out on the best that life has to offer. The same is true of yourself; staying in shape is necessary to live a long and healthy life but if you don’t consistently work on improving and expanding who you are on the inside, you’re going to miss out. You will get bored and when that happens, it opens up the realm of opportunity that the guy or gal you’re with may be become bored as well. I just think this is well worth mentioning for all to consider – EVEN myself.)

Moving along…

So you answered, “Yes, I still love this person enough to share the intimate details of my life with for the next fifty or sixty years. Where do I go from here?

Spice it up! You’re questioning the relationship because the “Zing!” isn’t there anymore! You LOVE him but all the butterflies flew away, seemingly never to be seen or heard from again (but that doesn’t have to be the case).

Maybe the two of you have just gotten into a rut and it’s time to pull out some of the stops and liven your sex life up a bit. Set some boundaries but ask your partner about some of the things he may have fantasized about in the past. Risk it and tell him about some of your own [fantasies] as well and don’t stop there. Try to figure out how the both of you might make one another’s fantasies … a reality.

The sex aside (after all, physical attraction is one thing; so too, the sex but…)

In closing, live your life with integrity by staying true to yourself and the goals/dreams you’ve personally set. If the relationship you’re in is healthy and you’re still in love with the person, you’ll factor in how the decisions you make, may affect your partner and his future happiness as well. If they do (factor in his happiness), that’s a pretty good clue the love you both share is still very much alive and well; you’ve just taken your relationship to another stage is all.

This is just my take on love and as stated from the very beginning, my success rate inasmuch as love and lasting relationships is concerned is TERRIBLE. :(

Take from this journal entry what you will and please feel free to comment and share your own ideas on healthy relationships and love. My guess is there are as many different variations on what makes for a healthy, happy relationship as there are people in the world. I’d be interested in hearing what you might think.


Related Links:

  • break the illusion.com (Davey Wavey asks “What is love like after five years?” Click on the above link to read what others have said — and I also encourage you to follow Davey’s blog. He appears to be a loving, young man and he writes from the heart.)

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