Okay, so the title for this journal entry is misleading (because in truth, what I’m talking about … I didn’t “choose.”)
Many of those who have issues with homosexuality believe we made a “choice” to be gay. I’ve heard it a thousand times and to be perfectly honest, I don’t know how best to confront such (imo) misperceptions. My first reaction is always to ask if they “made a choice to be straight.” That question is usually met with a long pause, followed by, “Well, no, I’m just normal” (as if what I am is an aberration.) I’ll press the issue, asking if they could ever see themselves choosing to sleep with someone of the same sex. Every honest response is likely to be no but on occasion I’ll get the “yeah, if I wanted to!” (When given the latter response, I believe they’re either lying to me or to themselves. I’ve NEVER known a straight person who could get past the “ick factor” they usually feel about sex with someone of the same gender.)
So for me it isn’t a “choice” to be gay; it’s just what I am.
I grew up as part of a loving family with a mother, father and brother. We attended church most Sundays and on religious holidays. There wasn’t any abuse in the home, physical or otherwise. Dad was present and involved with us kids, as was Mom. Neither were overbearing but we didn’t lack for discipline if and when it was called for either.
I guess what I’m trying to explain is I don’t really believe my home-life, growing up, was any different than most other kids.
However, I knew from an early age (probably by the time I was twelve or 13-years-old) that I was different than most boys my age. I was attracted to the guys while they began to shows signs of an attraction for the girls. It wasn’t something I made a choice about; it just “was.” In fact, the ONLY choice I feel I’ve ever made regarding this was just deciding to accept my sexual orientation for what it is; normal/innate (for me).
There are many who argue homosexuality is simply a choice. Some use bisexuals as an example but I can’t relate to that because “bisexuality” doesn’t apply to me. I’ve NEVER been attracted to the opposite sex like straight men are and more importantly, I don’t believe I could ever “force” myself TO BE attracted to a female as I am to a male.
The thought of having sex with a woman doesn’t make me sick but neither does it make my heart race and my dick get hard (I couldn’t get an erection, thinking about a woman if my life depended upon it!)
What’s more, I don’t think a guy who is really “straight” could get an erection thinking about having sex with another guy. Meh! Sure, the “gay for pay” porn stars who identify as straight do but perhaps those “straight” men in the gay adult industry are, in truth “bisexual.” And in that case, under those circumstances I guess THEY are making a choice.
As for myself (being gay), I didn’t and do not believe I ever could make such a choice. The attraction [to women] just isn’t and never has been an option for me.